


Say Yes to the Stress

by texankate



Category: Avengers Assemble (Cartoon)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Say Yes To The Dress - Freeform, Serious Crack, Steve Rogers has secrets, Tony Stark Has A Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26416738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texankate/pseuds/texankate
Summary: Battlefields?  Natasha has got it.  Super spy infiltrations into Hydra bases?  No problem.  But when Nick Fury brings her a new mission, she is lucky to have some unexpected expertise on her team.
Relationships: Natasha Romanov/Bloodshed, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 62





	Say Yes to the Stress

Natasha strolled onto the bridge of the tri-carrier with practiced ease. She was grateful to be out of Avengers Tower for the afternoon. When she left, Hawkeye and Thor were trying to stack olives on the forehead of a sleeping Hulk. She really didn’t want to be around when he woke up and took his revenge.

“Director,” she said, coming to stand beside him at the comm. “You asked for me?”

“Widow,” Fury said. “Good. I have a mission that could use your...delicate touch.”

“Is this about the Hydra facility in the Czech Republic?” Natasha asked. “I’ve heard chatter through some of my sources that the power grid is seeing some unusual spikes in that area. I could slip in and see what it’s about.”

“No, I’ve got another team on that,” Fury said. “This is more...local.” He flicked his wrist and threw one of the windows on the monitor up as a projection. “This is Bernard Fiorelli. The new Scientist Supreme.”

“Another new one?” Natasha asked. “They go through these guys like Clint goes through pizza bagels.”

“The last one is currently residing in a cell two decks below us,” Fury explained. “But this new one is unusual. Doesn’t fit their normal profile.”

“How so?”

“He’s married, for one,” Fury explained. “Couple of kids. He seems to have managed to keep them away from his beekeeper buddies, but he’s still in close contact with them on a regular basis. So they may know more than we think.”

“So you want me to shadow him? Or them?” Natasha asked. 

“Neither. I want you to make contact. The daughter is reportedly the apple of his eye. I need you to infiltrate her inner circle. See if she knows anything.”

“Understood, sir. Suggestions? I’m assuming you have a dossier on her.”

Fury looked a little uncomfortable. Not that the average person would be able to tell. That was Natasha’s first clue that this mission might not be to her liking. When he handed her the dossier, five words stood out and made her cringe in horror. Or, in her case, raise a slightly unhappy eyebrow. Fury noted this, and inched back from her, praying that he had made the right call.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Fury wants you to go undercover where?” Hawkeye asked, staring at the Black Widow with a gleeful grin.

If possible, Natasha’s tone was even flatter than normal when she replied, “He wants me to go in as a consultant.” She reached across the dining table to grab two of Mrs. Wilson’s cookies.

“Like Tony was a consultant?” Steve asks.

“Don’t make this sound like you’re going in to give your opinions on a security solutions or a merger,” Hawkeye crowed. “It’s not just as a consultant, it’s as a BRIDAL consultant.” He finally broke down into peals of laughter.

“What is this ‘bridal consultant’ of which Hawkeye speaks,” Thor asked, puzzlement written on his face. “Do you advise the bride in the best manner of killing beasts for the wedding feast? Help her select weapons and armor?”

Hawkeye was now rolling back and forth on the floor. “Oh, if only,” he managed in between giggles. “She gets to help them pick out dresses, Thor. Pretty, lacy, beaded monstrosities that cost more than my first car.”

“My breakfast cost more than your first car,” Natasha deadpanned. She was starting to get a headache. “But he’s not wrong. I have to surround myself with vapid people spending way too much money on useless things. Normally, I only have to do that with Tony.”

“I resent that,” Tony said, joining them in the common area. “I mean, I resemble it too, but I totally resent that.”

Steve rolled his eyes and pulled his boyfriend down on the couch so that he could tuck him under his arm. Tony didn’t put up one iota of a fight.

“Do you have any idea how picky people can be when it comes to wedding dresses?” Tony said. “Some women have been planning their wedding day for decades. When my mom’s best friend got married, she nearly stabbed the designer with a seam ripper when the woman suggested the wrong kind of lace.”

“If it was anything besides Belgian, she was right,” Steve said. Tony looked at him and rolled his eyes.

“You constantly surprise me with the breadth of your knowledge,” he said, reaching up to peck Steve on the cheek. The good captain preened at the compliment before turning to Natasha.

“What do you know about wedding dresses?” he asked her.

“I know they’re expensive,” she said. “I know that they are probably hell to pee in. Other than that, it’s never really crossed my mind.” She said the last with a little shrug.

“So you have to help her pick out a dress,” Clint shrugged. “You find one that makes her tits look amazing and then convince her that it’s worth $5,000.”

“Charming as always, Clint. Nat, do you know the difference between a sweetheart neckline and a Queen Anne?” Tony quizzed her.

“I don’t know. And I’m kind of curious at how YOU know,” Natasha replied and narrowed her eyes. Tony didn’t even flinch.

“I used to help my mom pick out dresses for galas,” he explained. “Come on, you don’t think this sense of style came to be in a vacuum, do you?” He gestured to his whole body. Natasha took note of the faded band shirt and, were those yoga pants?

“I think it came out of a dust bin,” she said, with a sniff.

“Hurtful. Very hurtful,” Tony replied. He turned his doe eyes towards Steve, who pulled him in even closer.

“So how did Fury find out which boutique she’s going to?” Sam asked. 

“Apparently it’s famous,” Natasha replied. “And Daddy has enough swing to get her her dream appointment for her 15 minutes.” Natasha leaned her head onto the table in despair. 

Tony perked up. “Famous? You don’t mean--”

“Kleinfeld’s. Yep. She’s going to be on ‘Say Yes to the Dress’” Natasha groaned.

“What is ‘Say Yes to the Dress’?” Sam asked.

Tony rubbed his hands together with glee. “Oh Sam. It’s the most beautiful train wreck you can imagine. They parade these bridezillas around in a bunch of tragic frocks until they get their grandmas to weep in joy. There are bitchy bridesmaids, mothers-in-law from hell, the whole shebang.”

Steve frowned, almost as if he was offended. “If it’s so bad, why do you watch it?”

Tony shrugged. “The announcer guy has a sexy voice. Plus, there is always the possibility of bloodshed.”

“It’s not that bad,” Steve protested. “Most of the episodes are really sweet.”

“It’s a propaganda tool of the wedding-industrial complex,” Tony said. “They trick these women into spending money they don’t have on a dress they will wear once, convincing them that if the dress is fluffy enough, if the groom thinks she’s hot enough, then maybe it will last.”

“That’s a pretty cynical way of looking at it,” Clint said. “What do you have against weddings? I thought you’d be all for cheesy glitz and sparkles.”

“My parents had an enormous wedding, spending thousands of dollars. And back in the day? That was exorbitant. Jarvis and his wife Ana had a small ceremony with only a couple of witnesses. Guess who had the happier marriage?” Tony said with a tight smile. “Weddings and marriages aren’t the same thing.”

Steve hugged his boyfriend. “It doesn’t have to be like that. Sometimes you just want to celebrate the good thing you’ve found.” Tony smiled up at him. 

“Well, if you’ve found the right guy,” he said. He snuggled into Steve’s side a little more. 

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Natasha started ‘Bridal Boot Camp’ that evening with Steve, as he cued up the latest season of ‘Say Yes to the Dress’. The other Avengers lounged around, ready to give commentary.

“So, let’s talk staff first. This is Randy Fenoli. He’s the star of the show,” Steve explained. 

“Okay. How is he the star?”

“He’s the fashion director, and now he designs wedding gowns as well,” Steve said. 

“Is he the one that designs the ones that look like bridal lingerie?” Tony asked. Clint suddenly sat up a little taller and tilted his body towards the screen.

“No, that’s Pnina,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. He was suddenly distracted by the screen. “Oh! They’re showing one of Lisa’s brides. She’s one of my favorite consultants.”

They watched as the consultant led a bride and her twelve(!) attendants through a fitting. The dresses got progressively poofier, and the bride got progressively weepier as her circle of sisters, girlfriends, and cousins intimated that the dresses made her look fat, frumpy, and washed out. 

In the end, however, Randy strolled in with a strapless Reem Acra that made the bride happy and made the bridesmaids grumble with a little bit of jealousy. That seemed good enough for the bride.

As the episodes progressed, it was easy to see that Steve’s keen sense of awareness worked just as well in a bridal salon as it did on a battlefield. His artistic eye, however, was a huge bonus. He explained the structure and craftsmanship details that were the difference between an $1,100 dress and an $11,000 dress. 

Natasha took notes, asking terse questions and turning her own discerning eye on reading the people in the room. She got to where she could spot the troublesome bridesmaid quickly, and could figure out with mothers-in-law were going to be unreasonably bitchy. 

All of this was accompanied by the running commentary of the Avengers. It turned out that Hulk was a big fan of Lazaro, Thor really appreciated Dianne’s sharp wit, and Clint, well, Clint made a lot of crude comments about the Pnina Tornai dresses. 

After two days of boot camp, Natasha was ready. Besides, it couldn’t be any worse than dealing with Red Skull and his Cabal, right?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Natasha returned to Avengers Tower looking like she’d just walked out of single-handedly tackling Thanos. Her clothing was torn, she had a cut on her cheek, and her hair was a messy tangle.

“Odin’s Beard! What has happened to you Lady Natasha?” Thor asked. 

“Oooooh. Blood. Please tell me they’re going to air this episode,” Tony cackled.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked. He ushered her to the couch and sent Sam off in search of the first aid kit and some tea.

“Let’s just say that the whole wedding got a hell of a lot more interesting when we found out that the groom’s father is a high up in Hydra,” Natasha said.

“WHAT?” the other Avengers yelled.

“Yep. It was one of those weird appointments where the father of the bride AND the groom came along to help pick out dresses. We had settled on a halter neck Hayley Page in ivory satin when the topic turned to wedding colors. Dad said yellow and black, groom wanted red and black. The poor bride had to watch as her fiance and her father got into a brawl over the color of bridesmaid dresses. Suddenly Dad pulled out some sort of hypersonic stun gun and the groom started yelling ‘Hail Hydra’.”

“How long did it take Fury to send in the cavalry?” Steve asked.

“Hah! By the time they got there, it was all handled. Randy hit the Dad across the back of the head with a mannequin and this very angry Greek lady from alterations stabbed the groom in the shoulder with a pair of pinking shears,” Natasha explained. “And then this little bevy of women in black showed up with rolls of taffeta and tied them up. I’ve never seen such a fabulous carnage in my life. Those people have skills. I wonder if they’ve been doing team building at some sort of martial arts place.”

Steve coughed. “Uh, they’re New Yorkers. Just naturally tough, I guess.”

“Hmm. I wonder,” Natasha said, giving the Captain a strange look. “Anyway, I want to shower and put on the schlumpiest pajamas I have and then binge-watch something, anything, that doesn’t mention weddings, beekeepers, or tentacles.”

As Tony, Thor, Clint, Sam, and Hulk argued about their Netflix queues, Natasha leaned over to Steve. She pressed a small envelope into his hand and leaned in to whisper.

“Randy said to tell you that they’ll be ready for voice overs next week, and to keep Tuesday and Thursday mornings open for sparring with the new consultants,” she said.

Steve’s eyes got huge, and he blushed. “Uhhh.”

“Don’t worry Cap. Your secret’s safe with me. You might want to tell your boyfriend he doesn’t have to feel guilty lusting after a voice, though.” With that, she sashayed her way towards her quarters.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Later, curled up in bed, Tony had a few questions for Steve.

“So what’s with the wedding dresses, really?” he asked.

“It’s not so much all dresses,” Steve admitted. “It’s the store. Back in ‘41, the original Kleinfeld’s opened in Brooklyn. Ma had known Hedda for years, and had done some sewing for her. After she died, I would go by Hedda’s and help her with whatever I could to earn a little money. Sometimes it was sweeping, but I also got pretty good at pattern-making.”

Tony’s eyes had gotten progressively bigger as Steve spoke.

“Well, when I woke up, after the Battle, I went looking for people and places I knew. I was standing outside of their new store in Manhattan, and the new owner, Ronnie walks up to me. He said he couldn’t believe it was me, but he had something to show me. In all of the stuff that migrated over from Brooklyn, there was one of my drawings that Hedda had framed after I got famous. He and I talked, and he kind of jokingly asked if I still needed some pocket money. That’s how I ended up doing voiceover work for the show.” He peeked up to see Tony’s reaction. His sweetheart did not disappoint.

“Hot damn!” he said. “That is so cool! Wait, I thought it was some guy named Roger Craig Smith...oh. Rogers! Very sneaky!”

“I thought so at the time,” Steve said. “Are you mad that I didn’t tell you?”

“Mad? Only because we could have been role playing naughty bride and consultant for months now,” Tony said, his grin getting even wider, if possible.

Steve choked as he gaped at his boyfriend.

“Now Consultant Steve, tell me more about that Belgian lace…”

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is totally crack that is born of the fact that Roger Craig Smith (the voice of Cap on Avengers Assemble) also does voiceovers on Say Yes to the Dress. I always knew that his voice was familiar, but when I figured that out, I couldn't stop thinking about Steve and Tony sitting on a couch and watching episodes with Tony lusting over the voice and Steve rolling his eyes at some of the appalling designs. And when I realized that Kleinfeld's started in Brookly in 1941...


End file.
